Chapter12-- Hesitancy

Hesitant- uncertain about what to do or say because you are nervous or unwilling. ( Longman dictionary of contemporary English)

Sometimes I really hate myself. It seems that I always have this nasty habit of procrastination which although I am fully aware of, are unfortunately unable to get rid of. Things could get so bad that I hesitant even for the slightest things such as cleaning up my room or even dumping my soiled clothes into the washing machine. However, I would like to stress that I am not indecisive. I can made decisive decisions but I would be hesitant in carry them out. For instance, I may already have made up my decision to buy the shirt that I wanted but I would always either consciously or sub-consciously delay buying it. It seems as if some unexplainable forces were holding me back like what I mentioned in my previous entry. Even though I wanted somethings, it would always seems that this "wants" are not strong enough for me to carry them out immediately. It could be due to reasons like I am in no mood to shop for the shirt or that the price of the shirt is unjustified in my opinion. Perhaps, I may even be kidding myself when I say that I can made decisive decisions. In that case, is decisiveness and hesitant really separated just by a thin line? Or even more importantly, is hesitant and lazyiness merely separated by a thin line?
Although I have always wanted to learn how to cook, I often found that I hesitant whenever the opportunity does arise. Yet the desire surfaces again when these opportunity has passed. Its funny but one of the crazy reason I had whenever this chances came by is that I would suddenly lost all mood to do it. From the definition given by the Longman dictionary, nervous and unwilling are the 2 reasons for being uncertain. For me, nervous during these occasions? Maybe. But unwilling? I certainly don't think so. In that case, why do I find myself struck in the same situations everytime? Why do I always seem to have the tendency to give up when something I want is already so close? Does it then imply that I am a person who give up easily? During my army days when we often have those running sessions whereby the distance can stretch up to more than 12km, I do not give up or even hesitant to want to continue running the whole distance.In fact, I am very determined to want to complete the whole journey during that time.There was at that time this fire burning inside me that propelled me to want to complete the whole distance without walking or resting. All that is in my mind when I ran is the finishing line that I very wanted to cross. However, this burning desire seems to sizzle out completely outside camp for no apparent reason and up till now I still cannot quite figure out why it is so.

However, perhaps being hesitant does have its own advantages. At least being hesitant might reflect how careful and meticulous one is as being hesitant might just means that one consider even the smallest details. For instance, when I look back at some of the items that I did not buy some time ago due to my hesitancy, I sometimes realize that it is a blessing in disguise as I realized that these things are not what I really wanted or will be using. Moreover, being hesitant also show that you are able to weigh out the pros and cons of "doing" and "not doing" something which indirectly imply that you are at least using your brain to analyse something instead of blindly following your heart which can be dangerous at times. In fact, come to think of it, all of us are in actual fact hesitanting whenever we are thinking about something. In that case, are we actually all on a level playing field?

So should we never hesitant to hesitant?


Yours sincerely,


Yongster